I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
