she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
