I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
