I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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