I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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