And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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