Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
