I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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