My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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