haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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