He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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