I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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