I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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