I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
