my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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