the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
