Your favorite bartender is back from prision
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
