Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
