just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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