we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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