shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
