I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
