I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
