end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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