The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
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