But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
