Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
