I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
