Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
