i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
