he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
