im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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