Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
