I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
