i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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