it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
