in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I enjoy the company of your penis
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
