Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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