I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize