I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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