You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
