You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
we should paint friendship bongs
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