1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
