You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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