The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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