If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
