i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
