u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
420 ftw
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
