Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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