omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
