how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
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I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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