i was born a porn star she said
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
