i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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