I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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