this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
